


Life‘s not gonna get better

by RuleTheWorldGirlFF



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Depression, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:02:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25807807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RuleTheWorldGirlFF/pseuds/RuleTheWorldGirlFF
Summary: 2018 was shit.2019 was shit.2020 didn‘t seem to be better for Daniel. The last couple of years had drained him and for some reason the not-giving-up-countdown in his head is zero by today‘s evening. But somehow suicide didn‘t come as easy as he thought...
Relationships: Michael Italiano/Daniel Ricciardo
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	Life‘s not gonna get better

**Author's Note:**

> So hey and Welcome to my first fanfic here. I normally write on Wattpaf and than in German, which is my mother tongue but somehow I wrote this OS in the last 5 hours right after today‘s race (which was depressing for Daniel) and yeah I don‘t really know how but it got 4000 words or something like that and yeah. I wanted to share it with you.  
> But as I said. English is not my mother tongue, just keep that in mind.  
> But besides that: I’m living for comments and kudos

It hadn't the same meaning anymore. Michael putting some stupid quotes on the wall didn't feel motivating to Daniel anymore. It was like it became just words over night. All the papers on the wall of their preperationroom became meaningless and untouchable. P5 seemed impossible even though Daniel knew it could happen. Damn, he managed to get P4 last race, so P5 was possible. Why didn't he believe? What stopped him from believing? He didn't know and he wasn't interested in finding out. He was too tired to do so. It seemed like his life has drained him down. It looked like he started to lose the battle he kept fighting over the last years.  
It wasn't something new to Daniel, that he doubted himself and his talent. It was new in 2019 but with the habit of not such good results he got used to the feeling of being not good enough. Red Bull had really fucked him up. 2019 had fucked him up. Renault had fucked him up. But than again. Maybe he was fucked up. Maybe non of those circumstances caused these feelings. Maybe he would had gotten to this point anyway. Daniel felt like this was the truth. Somehow he couldn't remember what it felt like to not feel broken. To not feel like a mistake, like total shit.  
He didn't know when those feelings started either. Someday in 2019 his head decided he was not going to be happy anymore. And Daniel hated that decision. Yet he couldn't change it. The decision was made and Daniel had to live with the consequences, even though it was so damn difficult.  
„Danny!", Michael flicked his fingers in front of Daniels eyes to get his attention back, which got obviously lost by something.  
„Daniel, pay attention. No time for dreaming!", Michael warned him. Daniel looked over to his trainer, which he ended calling friend. He ended calling everybody friend because everytime he did so it felt like a lie. Like no one was his friend. Like all of it was a lie. A total lie. Like he meant nothing to them. Nothing to Michael, nothing to Max, nothing to Lewis, nothing to Seb, nothing to Charles, just nothing. Like he was meaningless. Maybe he was. Than again he believed he had a meaning, but not such a big meaning like others. He was a hundred percent sure he was never Michaels best friend even if he called Michael his best friend, back in the day. The realization came out of nowhere during the winter break when Daniel saw Michael chatting with Jake, with Marc, with so many of their childhood friends, while Daniel sat in the back of the club, quite and unnoticed. Michael didn't feel the same amount of Love towards Daniel and that hurts. Jeez, that was maybe the most hurting thing he had felt in his entire life.  
He didn't remember a night he cried for so long and so much.  
He remember crawling onto the bed, grapping both of his bedsheets and pressing them to his chest, just to feel something against him. He remember looking at the wall in front of him. The white wall. Just looking at the white wall for hours while teardrops kept getting out of his eyes. He remember the hot breeze of the wind getting through the open window and he remember still feeling cold, because the feeling was coming from inside. He remember having goosebumps all over his skin. He remember pressing his legs together to get some warming feeling. He remember putting the bedsheets over him and than again back to his chest, because he couldn't handle the feeling of not having something to hug to. He remember feeling lonely. So damn lonely he thought he wouldn't survive the night. He remember how he survived the night. How he got up up from the bed on feets that were about to break. How he got to the bathroom. How he grapped the razor just to but it back again because he felt stupid. He remember how he sat down on the closed toilet and looking at the bathtub. His whole life seemed like a lie that night. It still does.  
He cuttend himself that night for the first time after almost teen years. He didn't like to remember that moment in detail because he felt guilty about it. He felt ashamed he did it and he felt ashamed he still does it. He got back to that kind of addiction, with the difference he was sure he wouldn't tell anyone this time around. He wasn't 14 anymore. He was a 31 years old, grown man with more than enough money and even though he wasn't a world champion, he still was in formula 1, living his dream. Than. All of this meant nothing. Yes he was 31, yes he was in formula 1, yes he gained almost 30 million euros per year. No he wasn't happy, no he didn't want to live on.  
„DANIEL!", Michael got louder as he saw Daniel being again gone with his thoughts. Daniel shook his head and looked over to Michael, who was still standing next to the wall with the quote on.  
„Your goal. I need your goal!", Michael said and pointed to the wall. It was kind of a game they played since the beginning of working together. Before every qualifying Michael would put on a inspirational quote and Daniel would write down his goal for the race. It used to work. It used to inspire Daniel. It didn't anymore but Michael didn't know that. Maybe this was also because he meant nothing to Michael. Maybe Michael didn't pay as much attention to Daniel, as Daniel did to him. He knew it was like that and that knowing hurt.  
Daniel stepped closer to the wall and put his goal under the post-it of Michael. His coach had a look over it, before turning over to Daniel.  
„P14?", he asked confused, but Daniel just nodded.  
„I thought you want to get to P4 again or at least P5", Michael murmured, still being really confused Daniel having such a bad goal. You wanted so, Daniel thought to himself. I don't believe I can get their again.  
„P14 is easy, man, Get yourself a greater goal. Man P14 is something for AlfaRomeo"  
And for me.  
„Put P10 on, at least. We can't leave it like that!"  
Michael was about to grap a pen, as Daniel managed to open his mouth.  
„P14 will stay!", he said. Michael looked back at him.  
„My goal is P14!", he said, even though it hurted having such bad goals. He used to fight for the podium, for the win, but with Renault that was impossible. He had that childish hope last year that he would maybe get a podium, but it faded.  
„Danny, what's wrong. Your completely different today"  
Am I? Am I really? I'm not. I'm just not faking happiness.  
„My goal is P14!", Daniel repeated as a goodbye as he got to the door, because he knew that was the last thing Michael wanted to do with him. He still had some time until qualifying and he needed it to spend it alone. Being in groups of people was exhausting. It was the hardest thing to do.  
Michaels words lingered in his head. You're not yourself today. A smile crawled over his mouth. He read once a quote which said: I wasn't myself for months and no one noticed. Man, he felt that. He felt that everyday when everybody played jokes to him. Don't you see that I'm broken, that I'm tattered? Do I mean so less to you, you don't even notice? Yes, yes, yes, you does. Yes Daniel. You mean nothing to them. Just nothing. You are a meaningless piece of shit, just deserving to die.  
„Stop it!", Daniel shouted, as his dark voice was too loud.  
„Stop it, shut up!", he cried out again and put his arms over his head. For a moment he feared someone noticed but no one did. Than again he wished someone noticed. He wished someone noticed the pain in his eyes, the lost sparkle of happiness, the lost will of life. He wished someone would step towards him and ask him: Hey, what's up?. He wished someone would finally do so. But not the way you get the question every morning, when no one is even listening to the answer because they know it's gonna be: I'm fine. Daniel want the real question. Damn, was it to much to ask for? Was he such a bastard God didn't even give him that question?  
Daniel got to his room, shutting the door loudly. He didn't even get to the bed. Instead he leaned against the door and let his body fall down to the floor. Tears were already dripping out of his eyes. He looked around the bald room, at the bare walls. He hadn't decorated them like he used to. He didn't felt he needed to. For what? He wasn't going to celebrate anything with anyone. And even if he got a podium, if the impossible would happen. Daniel didn't want to celebrate. He just wants to go back to bed and sleep. Sleep forever.  
Every evening was a fight to not give up and somehow Daniel didn't feel like he was going to win it today. It was not like today was super busy or he had some special, hurting moment. It was just like the not-giving-up-countdown in his head was going to be zero by today's evening. He felt that, when he woke up today and somehow he felt relieved about it. No race tomorrow. No nerves tomorrow. Just peace from tomorrow on. No feeling of being worthless. Daniel knew the world was better without him. He knew it, as he heard Lewis talking to Valterri and saying Daniel was getting a bit annoying with time and Valterri nodding in response. He knew it, when Lewis told Valterri, that yes he liked Daniel but his immature character was just getting annoying more and more and that he hated Daniel for not being able to be serious and just having crazy ideas.  
He lost all of these traits that day. He didn't act immature anymore. He was now serious all the time. He had no crazy ideas anymore. Daniel felt like he lost a piece of himself that day, than again he felt guilty about for how long all of the people around him were being annoyed by him. They were better on without him. They're gonna be better on from tomorrow on. 

—

Qualifying went okay today. In fact it went great, but Daniel couldn't feel great anymore. It was a feeling he lost to feel.  
Most of his mechanics wanted to to celebrate P5 for tomorrow, but Daniel said he was tired and wanted to go to bed. He just grapped the dinner Michael made him, but threw it into the bin as soon as he got into his room.  
No one came until evening. No one asked how he was doing. No one was interested in him. That feeling hurted. It hurted so damn much Daniel wanted to press a knife right into his chest, just so the hurt would stop. But he didn't. Instead he waited until it got dark. Until everybody went to bed. It was 00:34 by now. Daniel should be in bed, he should be sleeping for tomorrow. There was no need to do so.  
Instead he got up, changed himself into warmer clothes because it was cold outside. He took an envelope out of his back. It was the Goodbye letter everyone leaves behind. Daniel had written him around three weeks ago, during a night he felt really bad. Since than he took it with him wherever he go, just so he had it with him, when he needed it. Like he did tonight.  
He putted the envelope at the test, then he opened the door, trying to be as quite as possible, but no one was out anyway. The whole paddock was quite. It was kind of scary and kind of peaceful at the same time. Daniel put his hands in his pockets and buried his head in the collar of his jacket, as he put his hood over his head. He watched the motorhomes of the different teams.  
„Goodbye", he whispered at the end of the Main Street, as he got to the exit. He got out. He knew exactly where he wanted to go. He knew Silverstone. He knew it so well and he knew there was a bridge when you got out of the city, just around twenty minutes to walk from here. He wanted to go there. He wanted to die there. He wanted that peaceful look at a sleeping city which called the city silhouettes of Perth back to his mind. He loved Perth and hated it at the same time. It was his home and at the same time his scary place. So many good things had happened there but with the knowing that his whole life was a lie it seemed like all of the good things were bad.  
As Daniel got to the bridge everything was quite. No one was there. No teenagers celebrating there youth. No cars driving to the other side. It seemed like God wanted Daniel to die.  
He walked around the bridge, getting slower and slower as he got to the highest point. He looked over the parapet every couple of seconds just to see the river underneath. How would it feel to fall into it? Would it even kill himself? The bridge was damn high. It definitely would.  
Daniel looked to the right and to the left. No one there. He put his hands on the cold parapet und heaved himself up from the floor. He sat on the parapet, because his whole body was shaking. He was really doing it. He was really going to kill himself. His hands got sweaty, his heart race and at the same time he felt paralyzed. He should jump now before someone noticed him. It wasn't that easy. He thought it would be easier. He had nothing to live for, why was it so hard to leave it all behind? Why was it so hard to let go?  
Daniel couldn't. He couldn't jump. He just couldn't. Everytime he moved a little closer to the edge his fingers drill more into the concrete of the parapet. He couldn't jump. He could see the end of the tunnel, the light, everyone talked about, but he couldn't reach it. He just couldn't.  
„Shit!", he shouted angrily and disappointed at the same time. His eyes filled with tears and he started to cry, while he bend his legs over each other, still sitting on the parapet.  
„I want to die, let me die", he shouted into the night, but his body still didn't allowed him to let go. He sniffed, before he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder. He frightened and turned his head over his shoulder, to see an old women, smiling warmly at him. Her smile made Daniel's heart melt.  
„Get on the ground again", she whispered to him. Nicely but still serious. There was no way for Daniel he could jump. Not with her standing right behind him. So he moved his legs over the parapet and jumped on the floor again. He was just as high as the old women, who in fact wasn't that old, when Daniel got a closer look to her. She was maybe 50. She just had grey hair.  
„Come ere", she whispered to him and before Daniel could to anything, he got pressed into a hug. He felt something like love flowing through his body and that made him cry. He missed that feeling. Damn he missed feeling loved. He missed the feeling of being hugged. He had really missed it.  
Daniel noticed he made the whole shoulder of the women's red shirt wet, as he moved a little out of the hug.  
„I'm sorry", he murmured, while whipping over his face.  
„Don't feel sorry, love. You did nothing wrong. Don't jump down that bridge", she whispered, as she pulled a strain of Daniels long curls behind his ear. Daniel looked at her, with teary eyes, but didn't say anything.  
„Life's gonna get better, don't end it. You don't deserve such a bad ending. Don't give up."  
„It doesn't get better!", Daniel whispered. The women took his hand and moved it to his chest, so he could feel the heartbeat underneath his palm.  
„Do you feel it?", she asked. Daniel nodded.  
„It's called purpose. You're living for some reason. There are people who need you"  
„It doesn't feel like"  
„But it's true. Even in the darkest, there is someone who need you."  
Daniel didn't want to have a discussion, but he was sure there was no one who needed him. Not even his parents. They had Michelle. They would get over the loss of Daniel. Someday. But not today. Because they won't lose Daniel today.  
„Let me bring yourself home", she begged Daniel and somehow he knew, she wouldn't allow him to say no. So he nodded. Also because he felt to tired to have some stupid chats about the meaning of life. His life was meaningless even with the bumping in his chest.  
He moved his hands in the pockets of his jeans and started to walk the bridge down again. He couldn't believe it all ended like that. The women didn't said a thing. She said nothing, which Daniel was thankful for. He liked the silence.  
As they got into the street where the paddock is, she noticed that they weren't about to get to a house. Then she also noticed the face, which seemed familiar to her from the beginning. Daniel noticed her recognizing him and started to have a nervous look. He feared she would go to the press. He didn't need the papers to write about a failed suicide. He didn't need the whole world to know. He needed no one to know.  
„I won't tell", she whispered than and squeezed Daniel's arm. The man smiled slightly.  
„Thanks", he whispered.  
They got to the exit.  
„Don't give up", she whispered to him again and brushed Daniel's cheek. He looked at her, still having teary eyes.  
„It's gonna get better!", she promised him. Then she pulled him into another hug and Daniel could again feel the love, which let a little life flow throw his body. Which made him feel a little more alive.  
„Good Night", he whispered, as he moved to the entrance. He looked again at the silhouette of the women, wo waited until his card got accepted and he got through the control station. He winked at her, still feeling like the dumbest person on earth for failing at trying to attempt suicide. It wasn't even that he failed, because he didn't. It was more he didn't even tried.  
As Daniel got to the Main Street which led to the Renault motorhome he could feel a weird tension in the air. Many lights were on in all the motorhomes, which was strange, recalling that tomorrow was race day. He tried to act as normal as always, as he was just out for a walk, but when he heared girls shouting his name he couldn't act normal anymore. What happened? What did he missed?  
He got around the corner to the Renault motorhome and met with a huge group from around twenty people. All without masks, all close, like corona didn't existed. But somehow the whole evening felt like corona didn't existed, so that wasn't something new to Daniel.  
„Daniel?", he suddenly heard a broken voice shouting, which really sounded like Michael's voice. All the twenty heads turned towards Daniel and he could see a relief lighten up in their eyes. Then there was Michael, who jumped out of the group and ran towards Daniel, who was still a bit confused by the whole situation.  
„It's you. Omg it's Danny", Michaels voice broke into a sob, as he saw Daniel in front of him. He got faster in the last meter and wrapped his arms over Daniel's thin body, as he got to him. He lifted him up from the ground and pressed him to his body, promising himself he would never let go of Daniel ever again.  
„You didn't kill yourself. Omg, thanks, thanks to whoever made you change your decision. Thanks, omg thanks", Michael cried, while letting Daniel to the ground again. He started kissing his head and pressing Daniel even closer to himself, who just saw his goodbye letter in Michaels hand. Did he made all the people wake up to search for him?  
„I love you, Danny. Don't do such shit to me again. I love you, I.... thanks for not killing yourself today", Michael whispered. Daniel was pressed against his chest, just doing nothing because he didn't know how to act. He was right now just swimming in the feeling of love, which Michael emitted to him, while hugging.  
„Is it Daniel?", he heard Lewis' voice in the background and some other shouting yes.  
„Omg Danny, You're alive. Thanks to god", Lewis whispered. Shortly thereafter Michael let go of Danny, just to hand him to Lewis, who hugged Daniel as intensively as Michael did. There was really no virus existing right now, but even if they all got sick now because of the hug, they wouldn't even care, because the relief that Danny wasn't gone made it worth it.  
„I love you. Don't do that", Lewis begged him:  
„We need you here"  
Lewis let go of Daniel, as Michael started to cry again, because he was so relieved Daniel was there, that Daniel was close to him.  
„Come back to me", he whispered and put Daniel again to his chest. He looked to Lewis, who whipped some tears out of his eyes. Than he looked down to Daniel, realizing he hadn't said much, in fact nothing.  
„Danny, love, Danny", Michael whispered and cupped Daniel's cheek with his hand. Daniel looked up.  
„I..... I'm here", he stuttered: „I.... Yeah..."  
„I'm gonna search for the others. Otherwise they go crazy!", Lewis said pointing to the distance. Michael nodded, while Daniel pressed his head back to Michael's chest.  
„Didn't thought I mean that much to you, you would wake up the whole paddock!", he whispered tired.  
„You mean the world to me, love", Michael clarified, using the world „Love" instead of „buddy" or „bro" to make clear that Daniel was loved.  
Daniel smiled as he heared the words. He start to believe them a little bit. Not fully and the hurt was not gone, but he felt strong enough to continue fighting, because he saw and felt the proof of love.


End file.
